To Life: Thanks a lot

I hate when you meet someone who is cute and  kind of cool-and you definitely have this vibe, well maybe, at least you think you have a vibe, though a friend tells you their asking you to knit them a beanie is not flirtatious -and while you don’t search for their profile on myspace-and maybe you might have checked to make sure their facebook was locked-and because you google them, because you know, you were trained for eight years of your life to conduct research on incredibly boring topics, it just makes sense that you would  use it on soemthing that is actually interesting,  and through googling their name you may or may not find them on a random music website with a profile, and of course, OF COURSE they are in a relationship. BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS IN A REALTIONSHIP BUT ME.  And e, you’re pissed at yourself because you looked in the first place so now you know, and suddenly this crush you had on this seemingly nice person takes on  more sinister dimensions BECAUSE YOU NEVER DEVELOP A CRUSH ON SOMEONE WHO IS AVAILABLE.   And maybe you’re coping mechanism is to sort of think this nameless person is a bit of douchebag for being so excited that they are in a relationship that they put it on this random music profile-like really why  does being a relationship have anything with a really lame hip hop band?   Right?  I mean really, how lame.   I think  you agree.    And you know what else?   I think he looks a bit like a mormon, not that being mormon is bad, but he has that creepy, clear eyed happy look.  But he drinks coffee.      I mean, ok, this moment I know is happening because I googled him, because I was wondering, and now I know and I really wish I didn’t know, because I wouldn’t feel like I lost something, which is really something I never had in the first place because somebody else already has it.   jesus christ.  REally,   Why can’t I get a bit of  a break?  you know, like one person?   And I am getting older and I had this bizarre conversation with mother earlier and I am having lady troubles and my hormones are going crazy-I mean really wouldn’t you be freaked out if your mother suggested you go to a sperm bank?  I told her I really had go because it the conversation ahd taken a dark and scary turn.  And now, I am sitting writing this stupid blog entry pissed because now I feel like a fucking parody of of woman in her thirties.   I am apparently an emotional retard who can’t quit smoking,  a wizard rock song just came on my playlsit, and it’s been so long since, well you know, that when I miss my period, it actually signals some sort of hormonal problem, which will lead to more facial hair, according to the website.     I guess objectively, my life is a success, you know, I have a job I love, a graduate degree, a car, Tons of friends,  I travel,   I live on my own, I have really nice perfume, things are fine-so why is it that I sometimes feel like a complete failure?  If  I were a 32-year-old man in my position,  I don’t think I would feel like a failure.  people would be throwing themselves at me , I’d be so fresh,  my phone would be filled with numbers.  This particular gender divide really, really pisses me off.    It’s even worse because I was a women’s studies major,  and I am sitting in some stupid quagmire of pity, for what?   Whatever.