I’ve been really busy lately, and feel like I am not doing anything well. Not planning, not writing, and definitely not grading. I was officially pink slipped, along with tens of thousands of other teachers. It made me realize that people probably do not stop teaching because they come to hate children-but rather-because you are pink slipped every year until you have tenure, and even then they can still move you. Whatever. I spend too much time at work, thinking about work, feeling bad about work, I am not going to write about it again tonight.
I am reminded of this realization I had some point the last time I was in Grad school, about how my body had become this vessal to carry my laptop. Well, I am telling this out of order, because first, I went the music store to look through their bargain bin rack to see if they had any swing music I could play during class(we were studying the forties), and I picked up this 3 dollar copy of Sarah McLaughlin’s fumbling towards ecstasy, a cd I loved in the 90s, a simpler and more earnest time of my life. I had long since lost the cd, and honestly, listening to Sarah McLoughlin is sort of like admitting that you enjoy the twilight series(so what if I do?). I bought it anyway. It’s just trip down memory lane-apparently, I listened to Sarah Mcloughlin a lot in the 90s and it got me thinking about what some people would call “Feelings”.
While I’ve been too exhausted to be unhappy, I feel like I am out of touch with what my friend Bella would term my “emotional core”. Bella is a therapist married to another frined of mine, who was at this dinner party I had last night-which was, not to digress too much, the most perfect dinner party of all time, like the sort of dinner party I’ll remember and not because of the horrible hangover I had this morning. Anyway, Bella is really in touch her feelings and seems to experience a variety of them every day. It’s like Bella has an entire feast of feelings, while the variety feelings i have can be equated to cream of wheat and nutrition bars. I can only blame myself, that and my inability to maintain eye contact with the opposite sex. The strange thing is I feel really sorry for people who are on diets and eat those horrible microwave diet meals that seem so bland and the carrots are limp and the chicken tastes like plastic and lemon zest and really, if that is what you are eating, what is the point of eating? Like I watch this woman eat Jenny Craig at lunch everyday and she’s been doing it for six months and is so happy to have lost 15 pounds, and I wonder, is the 15 pounds really worth the 168 days tasteless pasta and fake cheese sauce?
If there is anything I haven’t done well it my life, it is taking emotional risks. I am like some sad character I watch on life time movies who doesn’t try because it “won’t work out anyway”. Usually, this woman is a character in a Nora Roberts made for TV movie who is experiencing some sort of paranormal disturbance or is being stalked by a crazed psychopath. I teach High school, it’s sort of the same. Actually, I’ve been watching a lot of life time television for women lately, and, while watching a horrible movie, I heard the line of some ting like “your problem is that you are a leading lady trying to act like the best friend”, or something. It seems like I always go for some sort of safe option: the asshole, the guy with the girlfriend, or the emotional crippled fuckwit-people who will most certainly fulfill my worst expectations. The werid thing about, you know, sabotaging yourself? You don’t feel anything other than loneliness and disappointment. Wow, that’s a plan for success!
I am going on an internet date soon, with this guy, who may or may not be five years older than me with a teenager. As a testament to how little I’ve been dating lately(re: No dates at all), I have completely freaked myself out over it. He seems like a nice enough guy, he’s not inappropriate, in the 20 emails we’ve exchanged(I know, too many!) he hasn’t revealed himself to be a callous psychopath, and more importantly, he doesn’t use LOL. What is wrong with him? I don’t know. As ridiculous as this is, I have convinced myself that I will repulse him in some way and that it will be a horrible date. I mean, it’s internet date, and as such, there’s a pretty chance that it’s going to be a horrible date. My friend Alice, who’s like 24, and god bless her, not cynical at all, thinks that internet dating is fantastic because he “might be the one”. Is it sad that shit like that doesn’t even cross my mind anymore? I don’t know. It’s weird, I think I’ve just been feeling super unpretty lately. I should listen to TLC. Whatever, I have flaws and rationally, I know that I am going on date with some nerdy guy that enjoys sci fi and has read series of sci fi books. I have this thing where I think people have super high expectations of me and that I will disappoint them, because I am what? disappointing. Jesus Christ. Clearly, I lack all perspective and have not been going out enough.
On the other hand, it isn’t all doom and gloom. My friend Dirky moved back to california recently , and we’ve been hanging out. Dirky and I always have a great time and we always meet new people. you know how some people make you feel wittier and funnier than you are? This is how Dirky makes me feel, nearly invincible. With Dirky, we befriend strangers, and dance.
