1. Plan B Commercial: Isn’t it nice to know that you are not waking up alone after a birth control "failure", oh wait, you ARE waking up alone you and five other ethnically/racially diverse women in nice, neat, minimalist bedrooms. Apparently, though you seem to have a nice job, you are utterly irresponsible when it comes to birth control/men-evident by the fact that the failure themselves are not next to you to share in this special, post coital moment. Unaccompanied by a nervous looking gentlemen, you also go to the pharmacy alone, and apparently, pay for PLan B alone, because as we all know, birth control is completely the responsibility of the woman.
2. Rock of Love tour bus/Charm School: i don’t even know what to say about these shows. Breast implants get popped during hockey games, twenty something women are competing for the affections of an aged rocker whose bandanna must be holding his head together and his hair on in some kind of postmodern take of that creepy ghost story I read in the fifth grade in which a woman’s head was held on by a velvet ribbon. The women hate themselves and each other, and are apparently there for Brett and to be shuttled around the Midwest in a slightly glorified greyhound bus. This is television. Are they looking for love? Or some combo of scabies/gonorrhea?
3. Weight watchers "Hunger" commercial: For years, it’s been a mystery to me why I remain fat. Is it genetics? My love of cheese? The fact that it’s 2 pm, I have a day off and I am still in my pajamas smoking a cigarette? Weight watchers has answered this question for me in their commerical in which an orange Muppet follows fat people around and growls at them. Apparently, fat people have some sort of demented puppeteer following them around everywhere, like a horror movie.
4. Wedding Shows: I can’t even tell you how many wedding shows there are on TV, there’s platinum wedding, my big redneck wedding, wedding planners, dream weddings- in fact there are almost as many wedding shows as there are reality tv shows about women with fake books dating tools and aged rock-stars. Instead of the glossed over hpy ending, you get an hour of women screaming at florists/their parents/their future spouse because the napkins don’t match the table cloth. Gosh. Women are so crazy and unreasonable!
5. The Bachelor: Twenty women and a tool who thinks he’s a nice guy. All of them are there because they are trying to find the person they "will spend the rest of their lives with." Of course, they can’t be too demanding or upset that the tool is seeing 19 other women, and will break up with them by not giving them a rose in a scripted ceremony. I wonder if, say they end up together, what other floral arrangements the bachelor will give/withhold to express his displeasure? Why oh why do people bother auditioning for this show? Don’t they realize, they can rent a hot air balloon for themselves and it would be a lot less trouble/emotionally traumatic/expensive than going on a show.
6. Online Dating commericals: As we all know, before you can have a wedding or even a "birth control failure" , you’re oging ot have to go on a date with a special someone. And not just anyone, someone with whom your connection is so great that you can joke over sushi boats about who is going to take out the trash in the future. I don’t know why this makes me feel ill, like I’ve eaten just eaten an onion and musturd sandwich, but it does. I am trying to think of an inter net date in which I had witty banter someone and I am drawing a blank, not that anyone in these commericals seems especially interesting or witty-or that their conversation rising above a level that is anything other than painfully banal.
