I am really mean to the crushman. I was never mean to him before-but ever since certain instances with Liz, I am attuned to every irritating aspect of his personality, from the way he slurps his soup to how he squints his eyes when laughs. Did you know that he took the last piece of Pizza at Monica’s birthday party-without asking if anyone else wanted it? I am generally not a mean person, but I find it difficult to be polite to people I have decided I cannot stand, which is different from people who I just don’t like n general and get along fine with. It was a situation that made thai dinner tonight somewhat awkward. Where I lifted up my head from my pad thai and red curry only to say something snarky to him, and not just snarky, but mean snarky. It was as though I was a frustrated Canadian Philosophy student, who had just been dumped. I used my powers for evil. I was also bitchy. I asked LIz about theory talk that’s coming up and Crushman said: Why would you have any interest in going to that? And I said “It may surprise you to know crushman that I do enjoy thinking about things sometimes” It was too weird and bitchy even for me when i said it.
Monica reminded me that he’s a good guy whose socially awkward, and that he was only bad to Liz because she allowed him to be, and that it is immature of me to hate him. Yesterday, she told me that crushman is not deserving of hate. And while I don’t hate him, as I don’t wish him ill, I am in a phase of intense dislike and disdain. I feel this so rarely: Chad, Old Boss, Professor Snarky Snark “adviser” to thesis, Evil Will … And yet, there is nothing that crushman has done to me personally that warrants his elevation into the Pantheon of People I Have Disdained.
I suspect that it has to do with having ever liked him at all. Despite K’s reassurances that I only liked him because I needed some sort of outlet-I feel tricked somehow. I mean, I am friends with people I have once had crushes on, I never disliked them. But with crushman……it’s a watershed moment, i think it’s the cumulation of every feeling I have ever had for an nerdy, inconsiderate academic-emobodied into a single person. A person who is now sort of dicking around ambivalently with my friend, like so many others before him, and who is always, always, always around.
Still, he is not a bad person.
